Chris Lewis: Good evening ladies, gentlemen, and John Grubor. I'd like to welcome you to the First Annual NANA Awards Ceremony. I'll be your host for -

Ricardo Gonzales: ...Ceremony. I'll be your host for this evening, and -

CL: Excuse me sir, I'll have to ask you to keep your voice down.

RG: Excuse me sir, I'll have to ask you to keep your voice down. As I was saying, I'll be your host -

CL: No you aren't.

RG: Yes I am. Please be quiet, sir.

CL: [pause] Yes, anyway, we have an interesting evening ahead of -

John Grubor: - kick your ass, Lewis!

RG: ...evening ahead of us.

CL: ...us. But first I'd like to thank the NANA Sentient Beings' Auxiliary for the lovely dinner. Let's give them a round of applause, ladies and gentlemen and John Grubor.

[applause]

CL: For the presentation of the first award of the evening, I'd like you all to welcome the inimitable Stan Kalisch III.

RG: ...welcome the inimitable Stephen Boursy.

[applause]

Stan Kalisch III: Thank you, thank y- er, give me that microphone.

Stephen Boursy: Look! He's trying to pull my plug! No reputable Master of Ceremonies accepts -

SK: Give me-

SB: Help! Help! I'm being oppressed!

SK: ...that microphone! Ugh!

SB: Come see the violence inherent in the system!

[delay]

SK: Sorry about that, folks. Okay, the first award of the evening is the "Most Annoying Usenet Poster or Group of Posters." The nominees are-

Someone: Meow.

SK: Right! Who said that?

John "Rear Admiral" McKeon: Not me.

Roger Williams: Clealy, sir.

Raoul Xemblinosky: Nor I.

JM: Clealy.

RX: Clealy.

Bill Palmer: ...bunch of typo-pouncing Tolstoys! And furthermore, [drone] libel! [pontificate] greasy shitass [sputter] libel! [verbiage] non-writing posters [whine] libel!

SK: [long pause] Ahem. As I was saying, the nominees -

Someone: Meow.

SK: Okay, that does it! You're meat, McKeon!

Andrew Gierth: Look out, he's got a gun!

[confusion, long delay]

CL: Well, I'm sure Stan will be back later to finish presenting the first award. In the mean time -

JG: ...kick your ass, Lewis!

RG: ...the mean time -

SB: ...being oppressed!

Someone: Meow.

CL: ...we'll move along to the next award. Here to present "Silliest Posting Name" is our very own Fluffy. Take it away Fluffy!

RG: ...very own Archimedes Plutonium. Take it away Archimedes Plutonium!

Fluffy: Get away from me Unpleasant and Illiterate Kook, or Fluffy will use your Head for a Scratching Post.

Archimedes Plutonium: Grumble.

SB: Censorship! Look, he's being censored! [scratch] Ouch.

Fluffy-X: I am Kibo. Heh heh heh. [scratch] Ouch.

Joshua Kramer: All this nonsense is going to stop right now, or I'm going to blow up the whole building.

F: Joshua, Fluffy really thinks that it is not Necessary to -

JK: I mean it! Everyone just be sane and rational or you're all going to be vapour! [scratch] Ouch.

Someone: Meow.

SK: I heard that! You're roadkill, McKeon!

[gunfire, confusion, long delay]

CL: Well. I guess when they manage to pry Fluffy's claws out of Stan's head we'll go back to that award. In the mean time -

JG: ...kick your ass, Lewis!

CL: ...I've been handed an announcement. Yes, this is from Jerry Sexzilla. He says he's got his twelve year old daughter in the men's washroom and for the low, low price of only twenty dollars, he'll let you... [pause] Um, moving right along -

SB: Plug puller!

CL: ...I think it's time for the swimsuit competition. We have two lovely and talented competitors. In the little yellow bikini, we have Lizz Braver -

[cheers, whistles]

CL: ...and beside her, with the hairy shoulders, is... Mary Grubert?

dead silence]

Mary Grubert: ...kick your ass, Lewis!

CL: [pause] I think we can dispense with the swimsuit competition.

SB: Censor! Plug puller!

CL: Next up, Sanford Wallace has kindly offered to entertain us with his rendition of "Me and My Shadow." Let's have a warm welcome for Sanford Wallace!

RG: ...warm welcome for Sanford Wallace!

[jeers, hisses, boos]

Sanford Wallace: Me and my spaaaaaaammers, Abusing mail and your newsgrouuuuups...!

[louder boos, splattering fruit, long delay]

CL: Sorry about that Sanford. Better luck next year. Okay, now the moment you've all been -

[silence, delay]

CL: I apologize for that. My microphone seemed to stop -

[silence, longer delay]

CL: ...don't care if it doesn't have the required keyword, Dick, you can't go turning my mic off. Oh. Okay, everything seems to be working again.

JG/MG: ...kick your ass, Lewis!

CL: Right. Now the moment you've all been waiting for!

RG: ...been waiting for!

CL: In the category of Top Cabal (There Is No Cabal) Despammer, the nominees are -

RG: In the category of Top Net.Kook (We Are Not Kooks) Sophist, the nominees are -

CL: Lizz and Robert Braver. Rick "Spysander Looner" Buchanan. Howard Knight. And Chris "Una Confibula" Lewis (Hey, that's me!).

JG/MG: ...kick your ass, Lewis!

RG: John "I invented fire" Grubor. Stephen "Speedbump" Boursy. Plutonium Archimedes. Bob Allisat. IMP. And Ricardo Hector Gonzales (Hey, that's me!).

CL: And the winner is -

RG: And the winner is -

[drum roll]

Someone: Meow.

JK: I warned you! I warned you all!

[large explosion]

[ End of Official Transcript]